so much more | from the archives

"from the archives" is a series sharing journal entries from my blog "beautiefullthings." if you've already read this, you'll notice I've added a few words. hindsight is 2020 - and I wish I could go back and tell the girl who wrote all her feelings out because she wanted to believe things would get better - that so much more was coming.

I have so much.

I spend time. I spend so much of my time looking at all the things I don't have, instead of all that I do. I pay more attention to all that I am not, instead of all that I am. And I let anxieties about what could be steal my joy away from what actually is.

I am learning-

that I have so much.

I do not stop. I keep running in circles. I have a lot of days where everything feels empty, and yet I can't pause for long enough to stop and remember my purpose. I am not good at slowing down and being silent. I have grown so used to noise I don't know what to do with the quiet. I don't have time to remember why I am here-and yet how will I ever be who I was made to be if I don't make that time.

When I realize this,

I realize-

I have so much.

I have a gift. A gift that is irreplaceable and beautiful. A gift that is full of opportunities and chances. Every morning I have breath in my lungs. I have a day full of new chances and opportunities that I overlook and see as ordinary, when they are anything but that. I have a gift,

I have life -

I have so much.

I have a passion. I have a passion, but I bottle it up. I don't set aside time to do the things I love, because it takes work. Discipline isn't glamorous. There is always something mindless to do instead. I have a passion, but it isn't growing because I'd rather do what's easy.

It makes me realize-

I have so much.

I have love. He knows what makes me, me - and what makes me hurt. He hears it all and listens so patiently. He loves me so well. He is always there. He has never not been there for me when I've needed him. He is my biggest encourager and best friend. Yet I find his imperfections to point out and sometimes I spend too much time dwelling on those. I realize how discontent my heart can become when I make it all about me.

It makes me realize-

I have so much.

I have freedom to step into myself. To express my heart in front of an audience of one or one hundred thousand. And yet my eyes are glued to a screen that shows me how every other person is trying to be like every other person, and how I'm falling short. I choose to focus on their success, their joys, their lives - when I could pour so much energy into my own.

Sometimes when I remember this,

I remember-

that I have so much.

I do.

I have so much-

The question is, what am I doing with it?

Will I still have "so much" when I look back a year from now?

Or will I choose to live life differently,

and have so much more?